Physical
Hitting, pushing, kicking, damaging belongings, cornering someone or physically intimidating them.
Aotea / Great Barrier Island community resource
Not funny.Not harmless.Not okay.
Bullying can be loud and obvious. It can also happen quietly, behind a screen, inside a group chat or through simply making someone feel like they don't belong.
For young peopleFor parents & whānauFor friends & bystandersFor our whole community
You don't have to wait until something is "bad enough". If someone is frightened, distressed, being repeatedly targeted, threatened, humiliated or harmed, tell an adult and get help.
The responsibility for stopping bullying does not belong to the child being bullied.
A child who is being bullied should never be told that the answer is simply to toughen up, ignore it or sort it out themselves.
The adults around them have a responsibility to listen, take the concern seriously, protect the child and work out what needs to happen next.
Start here
What is bullying?
Bullying is deliberately harmful behaviour involving a real or perceived imbalance of power. It is usually repeated, or has the potential to be repeated. It can happen face-to-face or online, and it can be physical, verbal, social or relational.
A single disagreement is not automatically bullying. But that distinction should never become an excuse for ignoring harmful behaviour.
A one-off threat, assault, sexual comment, humiliating incident or serious online attack can still require immediate action.
Verbal
Repeated insults, threats, cruel comments, racial abuse, sexual comments or deliberately humiliating someone.
Social
Deliberate exclusion, spreading rumours, turning people against someone, humiliation or using friendship as a weapon.
Online
Abusive messages, harmful posts, fake accounts, humiliating images or videos, group-chat attacks or repeated digital harassment.
Sexual harassment
Sexual comments, unwanted sexualised messages, sharing intimate material or other unwanted sexual behaviour.
The pile-on
Sometimes one person starts something and other people join in. Every extra laugh, comment, share or repost can make the harm worse.
For young people
If it's happening to you
You do not have to solve this yourself.
Telling someone is not weakness. It is not "dobbing". And you do not have to wait until you are completely overwhelmed before asking for help.
1
Tell someone
A parent, caregiver, teacher, dean, principal, counsellor, coach, friend or another adult you trust.
2
Say what is actually happening
Who is involved? What are they doing? Where does it happen? How long has it been going on? Is it happening online too?
3
Ask for something specific
You can ask for help getting through the school day, a safe person to report to, support dealing with online abuse, or help working out what happens next.
4
Keep telling people if it continues
If the first person doesn't understand or the behaviour doesn't stop, tell someone else. Keep going until an adult takes responsibility for helping.
You don't need the perfect words.
"Something is happening and I need help."
"Something is happening and I need help."
For parents & whānau
Your first job is to make it safe to talk.
A young person who is being bullied may be frightened that telling an adult will make things worse.
They may minimise it. They may become angry. They may insist they don't want you involved. They may say "it's nothing".
That doesn't necessarily mean nothing is wrong.
Start by listening.
Try saying this
"I'm glad you told me."
"I'm sorry this is happening."
"It's not your fault."
"You don't have to deal with this by yourself."
"Let's work out what you need right now."
Avoid starting here
"Why didn't you stand up for yourself?"
"Just ignore them."
"They're only jealous."
"You need to toughen up."
"I'll sort them out."
Practical parent tools
What do I do right now?
Sometimes the hard part isn't knowing that you should talk. It's knowing what to do when your teenager is already angry, crying, shutting down or spiralling.
These are simple things to try. They are not a substitute for professional support, and they are not a way of avoiding serious problems. They are ways of getting through the next few minutes without making the situation bigger.
The first 10 minutes: don't solve it yet
−When someone is highly upset, a full investigation can wait. Your first job is to reduce the temperature.
STOP → RESET → CONNECT
1. StopPut the phone, argument, school issue or investigation aside for a moment.
2. Lower the noiseMove somewhere quieter. Sit down. Get some water. Reduce the audience.
3. RegulateSlow things down. Breathe normally. Give them space without abandoning them.
4. ConnectMake it clear you are with them, not against them.
5. Next stepOnce things settle, decide what happens next. Not everything has to be solved tonight.
"You don't need to explain everything right now. I'm here. Let's just get you through the next few minutes."
When your teenager shuts down
+Don't turn the conversation into an interrogation.
Try reducing the demand. A teenager may find it easier to talk while walking, driving, eating or doing something else rather than sitting opposite an adult waiting for an answer.
"You don't have to talk about everything. Can you just tell me whether you're okay, not okay, or somewhere in between?"
"You can tell me now, text me later, or write it down. I just need to know you're not carrying this alone."
When anger is taking over
+Don't compete with the anger.
Speak more slowly. Use fewer words. Stop trying to win the argument. If you are angry too, take a minute before continuing.
Do
"I can see you're really angry."
"We're not going to solve this while we're both fired up."
"I'm staying with you."
"We'll deal with the problem when we're calmer."
Don't
Threaten consequences in the heat of the moment.
Demand a complete explanation immediately.
Lecture.
Use humiliation or sarcasm.
When the child says: "I don't want to go to school"
+Don't assume this is laziness, attitude or simply a refusal to go.
Ask what has changed.
Has something happened with friends? Is there a particular person they are avoiding? Is there somewhere at school they don't feel safe? Is something happening online? Is there a teacher, class, sports team or social situation they are dreading?
"I'm not going to assume you're being difficult. Something has made you not want to go. Help me understand what it is."
If the answer points to bullying, involve the school and agree on a concrete safety and support plan rather than making the young person carry the problem alone.
The five questions that can open a conversation
+- How are things actually going?
- What's the hardest part at the moment?
- Is there anyone making things difficult for you?
- What are you worried might happen next?
- What would make things easier right now?
You do not have to ask all five. One genuine question can be enough to start.
When your child is bullying someone else
+Separate the behaviour from the person.
"I love you. I'm on your side. But what you did is not okay."
Then establish what happened.
Ask what they were trying to achieve, who else was involved, how the other person might have experienced it, and what they could do differently next time.
Be clear about the boundary and work with the school on what needs to happen next.
When you are the parent who is angry
+This matters more than people sometimes admit.
If your child has told you something awful has happened, your first instinct may be to confront another child, their parents or the school immediately.
Take a breath first.
Your child needs you to be their adult, not another person whose emotions they now have to manage.
"I'm furious that this happened. But I'm going to stay calm enough to help you."
Write down what you know. Save relevant evidence. Then approach the school with the facts.
For friends & bystanders
Don't join in. Step in.
You don't have to confront someone yourself if that would put you at risk.
But you can refuse to feed the behaviour.
Don't laugh
A laugh can tell the person doing it that the crowd is with them.
Don't share it
Forwarding a humiliating image or message is another way of spreading the harm.
Check in
A simple "You alright?" can tell someone they aren't invisible.
Tell an adult
You don't have to investigate it yourself. Give an adult the information you have.
Stay safe
Don't put yourself in danger trying to intervene physically.
Be the person who changes the crowd.
You don't have to be the target to make a difference.
Online bullying
A screen doesn't make cruelty harmless.
Save it
Keep screenshots, messages, usernames, dates and other useful evidence where it is safe to do so.
Don't retaliate
Responding with threats or abuse can make a bad situation worse.
Report it
Use the platform's reporting tools and tell an adult.
If online behaviour involves threats, physical or sexual harm, serious harassment or places someone in danger, get an adult involved immediately.
For parents & whānau
What should happen when you report bullying?
You are entitled to ask the school what its process is.
The school should be able to explain who receives a report, what happens next, what support is available and how the school will check that the problem has actually stopped.
What procedure does the school use for preventing and responding to bullying?
Who should my child report bullying to?
What happens after a report is made?
What protection is put in place for the student who reports it?
How will the school establish what happened?
What support is available to the children involved?
How will the school prevent retaliation?
How will you check that the bullying has stopped?
Who do we contact if it continues?
What is the escalation process if we are unhappy with the response?
Need someone to talk to?
Start with someone.
You don't have to work out which service is "the right one". Choose someone you trust and make contact.
Aotea Family Support
Local support for island residents, including counselling, crisis support, youth services and connections to other community services.
09 429 0465
General & services enquiries
Community worker: 027 356 5567
Old School Building, 1 Medland Road, Tryphena.
Need to talk? — 1737
Free call or text 1737 to talk with a trained counsellor.
1737
Available 24 hours a day.
Youthline
Support for young people and people supporting young people.
0800 376 633
Free text: 234
What's Up
Free counselling and support for children and young people aged 5–19.
0800 942 8787
Immediate danger
CALL 111.
If someone is in immediate danger, seriously injured, or you believe they are at immediate risk, call 111.
Do not wait for a text to be answered. Do not wait for the school to open. Do not worry about whether you are overreacting.
111
Look out for each other
You don't have to be the target to be part of stopping it.